Beware the Haxxlings!

Chapter 1: The Haxxor bares his teeth!

Haxxor: Finally, the World shall know of the name of Haxxor, Master of Uninhibited 1337N355 and Pilferer of Intellectual Properties!  
Minion: Um, sir…I feel as though people already know who you are, you did wind up on International television, you know.  I also want to know…what is your plan, exactly?  The other lackeys and I have been wondering what we are supposed to be doing for quite some time…
Haxxor: I am glad you asked, Minonion!
Minion: Minion, sir.  Mynd Lester Minion.
Haxxor: Ah, sorry about that!  I have a real problem with remembering names.
Minion: So, you were talking about your evil plan?
Haxxor: Ah, yes!  My plan, dear Minonion…
Minion: Minion, sir.
Haxxor: …my plan is to steal the properties of all those stupid artists who go and upload their art to websites!
Minion: Like DeviantART?  And VGmusic?
Haxxor: Precisely!
Minion: Err, but don’t they copyright their stuff, sir?
Haxxor: Ah, but that’s the beauty of my plan, my curious crony!  You see, I have created a virus that destroys copyright encoding, leaving intellectual works ripe for the picking!  Alas, I wish it was strong enough to break through the legal barriers that those big name companies have on their products.  
Minion: I get it!  That is actually a pretty evil plan!
Haxxor: Why, thank you, Minonion!  I…
Minion: I thought you would be like those other dimwitted villains and do something stupid like take a stickman, put a cape and sunglasses on him, call him “Superstick” and base a whole line of merchandise on him!
Haxxor: Err…well…
*Haxxor slowly shuffles in front of his office window where “Superstick” stuff is in plain sight*
Minion: What ‘cha got there, sir?
Haxxor: Err, nothing!  Anyways…my virus will preoccupy the DA Staff and the Authorities while I digitally invade the site in secret and claim all that art!
Minion: Errr…can we do that, sir?  I mean, sneak in totally undetected?  I don’t know if our army is big enough to handle things if we were caught…
Haxxor: That’s not a problem at all, Minonion!
Minion: That is it!  I am calling legal services to get my name changed!
Haxxor: I’m sorry about forgetting your name!  It’s just that, you look like an onion with that hair and coat of yours!  Besides, just how can you change your last name?  Isn’t that something that is unchangeable?
Minion: Actually, Minion is my second middle name.  My real last name is…I can’t believe I am going to say this…
Haxxor: What?  What is it?
Minion: …Samophlange.
Haxxor: Gfffffnnn…Fwahahahahaha!  Hoo hoo!  Ha Haaa!  Samophlange!  Oh, that is priceless!  Hee hee ho ho ho!
Minion: Please don’t start calling me by that name, sir!  I already get teased enough by my friends and family…grant me some dignity!
Haxxor: Hoo hoo, ha…ha…whew!  Ah, don’t worry my flustered felon!  If you allow me to continue calling you Minonion, I won’t tell anyone…
Minion: *Sigh*…I suppose it is better than having everyone laugh at me!  So, are we mobilizing yet, sir?
Haxxor: You betcha!  Release the Blabberbats!  Bring out the Tinkertoads!  Unleash the power of Yamma-31-and-3-quarters!
Minion: Wow, sir!  Your Blabberbats look like Battons with wax lips!  
Haxxor: Ahem, yes, well…
Minion: …and those Tinkertoads look like Ribots with different eyes, sunglasses, and a wind up key on the back!
Haxxor: Minonion!
Minion: …and Yamma-31-and-3-quarters looks like Gamma from Mega Man 3, except he has a yam for a torso and Ranma’s (from Ranma-1/2) head!  Does his head change gender when it gets wet?  I wonder…
Haxxor: MINONION!!!  If you think yourself so clever, then maybe you would like to go out and find characters that I can steal?  Hmm?  The reason I don’t have classy underlings is because I want to keep a low profile until our invasion of DA!
Minion: Sorry, sir!  That comment you just made has brought me to remember a question I was going to ask you…
Haxxor: Yes?
Minion: Why not just attack smaller, less known sites?  You know, like the ones in the figurative “invisible web” that aren’t picked up by search engines?
Haxxor: Actually, that is a good point.  Like I said before, Minonion, I want to keep a low profile.  You are right, though.  I will need some outposts to fall back to in case everything goes wrong.   Eh, I guess I will send The Number Bleth to round up a few sites for reinforcements!  Bleth – and that guy who is so original that he is not original, yet is so unoriginal that he is original.
Minion: You mean The Middle Man?
Haxxor: Yeah, that’s him.  Moving right along…would you care to summon the Haxxlings and other troops?  All you have to do is ring the gong in the room next door.
Minion: Uhh, ok.
*Minion heads off to the gong room*
Minion: Ok, let’s see here…hmm, there are actually several gongs here.  I guess that big one is the one I should ring.
*Minion bashes the large gong, and returns to Haxxor*
Minion: Ok, sir!  I rang the gong!  The troops should be on their way!
Haxxor: That didn’t sound like the gong that summons the troops…did you strike the gold one?
Minion: No, why?  Is the big one bad?
*Giant laser zaps Minion*
Haxxor: Did that answer your question, Minonion?
Minion: Pain.  Hurt.  Agony.  Kiiiiillll meeeeee….*twitches*
Haxxor: Well, what do you know?  The troops are already here!  I guess I summoned them earlier today.
Minion: Ohh…why me?
Haxxor: Stop lying around and get my toast!  I can’t make a speech on an empty stomach!  Ahhh, never mind the toast!  My troops await my guiding words!
Minion: Anyone out there have some disinfectant?
*Crowd cheers*
Haxxor: My most tenacious troops!  Today, we shall finally step out from under our proverbial rock, and plunder the great intellectual riches of the World’s greatest artists and scientists, starting with the site who dared to ban my presence: DeviantART.com!  After extracting all of those…”delightful” fan-based works and original works, we will have an army that not even the United States could match!  With such an army, we shall rule over cyberspace, manipulating all that goes on within it!  Then, with the help of our most generous real-world benefactors, we shall return to the real world and use our advanced cyber-world technology to bring the World’s armies to their knees!  No one will be able to stop us!
Soldier: Uhh, sir, what is your plan exactly?  You see, we had no idea you even HAD a plan up until now…
Haxxor: *Sigh*…you know what?  You know what?  I just don’t know anymore.  I try and I try, but what do I ultimately have to show for my efforts?  A bunch of clueless combatants…I thought I turned on the intercom when I explained my plan to Minonion here…
Soldier: Uhh…well…we don’t listen to the intercom much…do you guys listen to it at all?
*All of the other soldiers start mumbling replies of “no”, “not really”, “I guess”, et cetera*
Haxxor: Ok, I am not going to explain it again!  Minonion!  Did you hand out those flyers yet?
Minion: What flyers?  You didn’t ask me to hand out flyers!
Haxxor: …Samophlange.
Minion: I’ll go and hand out the flyers!
Haxxor: Good boy.  Alright, troops!  The flyers that Minonion will be handing out to you contain the essential details of my evil plan!  I have already outlined your orders with your commanding officers!
A Sergeant: Umm…I didn’t get anything in the mail about a war…
*Haxxor lifts his arm and blasts the sergeant into ash*
Haxxor: E-mail, people!  Love it, learn it, use it!  I don’t tolerate imbeciles here!
Soldier: How about soldiers who like to question their superiors?  Because I can’t help but question the effectiveness of this plan…
Haxxor: …Ok, then!  Here’s a question for all of you!  Which of you has questions about my plan?  Come on, don’t be shy!  Raise those hands up so I can see them!
*Virtually all of the troops raise their hands*
*Haxxor blows up the soldier who first commented on his plan*
Haxxor: How about now?
*All of the troops drop their hands almost immediately*
Haxxor: Goooood.  Now get going!
*Haxxor’s army rushes out of his cyber-fortress*
Haxxor: Meheheheh…mehehehehehehe…mehhehehehehe… mehehehehe hehehehahaHAAAAA…WHOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAhhhh, it’s not that funny.  I don’t know why villains like to laugh evilly all the time.
Minion: Maybe it makes them feel big…
Haxxor: Just get my limo ready, Minonion!
Minion: But I don’t know where…
Haxxor: Samophlange!
Minion: Alright, alright!  I’m going!  Sheesh!   

*To be continued in Chapter Two!*
*Cue Just-For-Laughs ending music*
Niknak: Mommmmy!  It's overrrrrrr!!!
*Finish JFL ending music*